straying | OOC/IC ● VOICEMAIL

[He's a little puzzled as well at this disconnect. Until he slowly realizes what's going through his head, and only then does he step away from the window and towards her, expression confused and a little pained.]

When did I ask you to depend on me?

I just--

[...he needs this. Needs it because maybe if he'd been there Leila would still be alive, and what if what if what if--

A quiet breath, not nearly long enough to be a sigh.]

You can take care of yourself.

[And then he gives her a smile. Sad. Bitter. And not fake because of that. It's too true to be fake.]

Leila could too, Saya.

[She can't bring herself to look at him. Instead, she just listens, continuing to stare at the ceiling with a curious expression.

Of course this all came back to Leila, she wasn't stupid. That isn't any surprise to her at all.

But unlike every other issue that she knew how to deal with - issues with freedom, issues with contentment, issues with pursuing actual happiness - she knows absolutely nothing about loyalty.]

... but she didn't need you to protect her. And you didn't have to.

[The way she understands it, he's placing a responsibility on himself that he didn't have, blinded to the facts by hindsight.]

Regret and self-blame... should only go so far, Matthew.

She did--

[He pauses, for a moment...honestly confused.]

She didn't. No. She never did.

[...why did she have to die? Why did Saya have to die? He's thinking it over now, and...he feels like he's acting so childishly. Like he's shaking a fist at the world and going "Why is everything so unfair?"

He's older than that. He knows that the world is unfair.

He hesitates.]

Sorry, I--

[...]

Pretty silly, in a world where death isn't permanent, huh?

[But those images, and Billy's voice, still haunt him.]

[Then she actually looks over at him then, honestly perplexed.]

Death is never silly. If I wasn't upset at you about something else, I could get upset over that.

[Despite her words, she actually manages to grin at him. Reassuringly, she hopes. She doesn't... have the strength to go to him right now, but no matter how she tosses it, she doesn't want him to feel this way anymore.

It helps that it distracts her from her own problems.]

Besides, the Matthew I know doesn't worry about silly things.

[... heh. How accurate is that opinion right now, though? Still, she retains the same good humor that bubbled up when he first dropped in to see her - the one that was cautious and unrestrained all at once.]

I'm not saying don't regret things. I'm not saying not to feel bad about things you couldn't have done.

I'm saying you probably have enough to feel bad about truthfully that... you don't need to invent other things to blame yourself for on top of it all.

You're making more trouble for yourself and it's tough after you've beat it into your head that it's your fault but... well, things can be reversed the same way.

[To a certain extent, these are all things that he needs to hear. But right now he's too worn and exhausted to absorb it all.

...

His eyes slide halfway shut as he considers this.]

Yes, well...Maybe it gives me something to work on.

[...]

I didn't mean what I said, you know. I've seen you fight. He must have been one lucky assassin.

[A laugh and she pats the spot next to her on the bed. Rest your head, sleepy thief. It's late.]

We have time.

[But at the second part... she shakes her head. She doesn't hold grudges. No matter what she said about being upset with him- she can't be upset with him.

... It just doesn't change that what he said still hurt, though.]

People say stupid things, even smart spies.

[He hesitates.

Is this forgiveness? He can't tell. He can't really tell if he deserves forgiveness, really.

...But he sits anyway, after that hesitation.]

That's up for debate.

[The smart spy thing, anyway.]

...Sometimes I think it's an impressive thing.

[When did she ever let him do anything half-way? There's a tugging on his cloak. Lay down, dummy.

As she does that, she moves her head slightly, getting as close to the tilting gesture as she can while lying down.]

What is?

[He resists that, at least for the moment, turning to look at Saya.]

...Saving people. Acting as a hero.

[And then he flops back, grumbling quietly, but without any bite.]

I'm getting soft, for sure.

[.... pfffahahaha.

She laughs. It's different than from when he first dropped in. No, this one has the usual perky quality to it, as opposed to the sheer amusement that her last one consisted of.]

You are!

[She smiles at him, genuinely pleased.]

Don't toss out compliments, Matthew. You're sleepy so I'm gonna let this first one slide, but the next one is coming up at breakfast tomorrow and you're going to regret it. I promise.

[Another giggle. What is she even saying anymore? Wasn't she going to tell him to leave?

... but no, this is too comfortable.

And part of her mind has to ask: 'Why would I ever want him to leave?']

[He blinks up at the ceiling and then yawns absently.]

I wonder if it's tossing out compliments if you believe it.

But I'll keep that in mind. I'd hate to regret saying something at a time like this.

Hmmm, that makes the both of us. You have horrible timing. I actually wanted to talk to you.

[Because that's clearly not what they're doing right now.

And because they're incredibly contagious, she ends up yawning too. Her eyelids droop slightly and she ends up curling up against his side, head leaning against him because it's too much effort to grab a proper pillow.

It's partially instinctive because hey look, there's a heat source in her bed-

... and partially because she really did miss him, and she doesn't know how to tell him in any other way.]

[He looks up at the ceiling still.

...But he smiles.

And somehow...everything's okay, huh? Even as his eyes slide shut and he drifts off to sleep, just like her.]

[... It's a curious situation.

To wake up, having slept snuggly next to the person that she had decided to cut ties with just the night before.

Then she's confused all over again.

She'd spent the longest time apart than they had in months, after all. It was strange, to be alone for so long again. Without him, and she... was less than okay, if she had to admit it. But wasn't that better? And what was he doing when they were apart? Didn't she miss him?

... of course she missed him, that's why she immediately asked him to come over when she called him. Stupid question, Saya.

Still half-asleep, submerged in drowsiness, her brows knit together as she blinks sleepily.

It's very hard to be mad when the simplistic part of her brain is saying something along the lines of]

He's here... what's the big deal?

[Of course, that's more or less an incomprehensible grumble that barely managed to escape her lips.]

[It's just a grumble, but it wakes him nonetheless.

He stirs, blinking groggily up at the ceiling.

...

this is not his ceiling.

But he's somehow content here.]

...Saya...?

[It occurs to her that she woke him up and... yeah okay, there's reason to apologize here, probably.

But in her current state of mind, she can only lift her head slightly and blink at him.]

No...?

[. . .

what is she even saying--

Flopping back down with another incoherent mumble. She's still lost in her thoughts, half-buried in dreams.]

Let's not talk about it.

[... This is why she tries to wake up before him. She's quite the zombie before she takes her morning shower.]

[He's...willing to listen for that. He really, really is.

His eyes don't move from the ceiling.]

Who are you then, if not Saya?

[His tone is vaguely amused, though.]

[That actually wasn't the question she was answering. It was more of a verbal negation of something that went through her head-

... But she isn't quite awake enough to explain that to him.]

Does it matter?

[Actual response? Still talking to herself? .... Who really knows?]

[Thoughtful. So thoughtfully.]

Of course it does. I don't think I would want to be in this position otherwise.

[. . .

It's only the sense that she's missing a chance to make fun of him- or that he's making fun of her, she has a sense of that too- that she wakes up just a bit more.

More sleepy blinking and it's unsure whether or not that even registers in her head, since she promptly ignores it.

Sitting up and rubbing her eyes, she rolls her shoulders.]

Mornin'....

Good morning.

[And now he'll sit up, running a hand through bed-hair absently.]

[Streeeeeetch~ .... and it takes lots of willpower not to just flop again.

And she has to ask-]

What are we doing today?

Edited 2011-04-16 18:16 (UTC)

[He pauses, and then...hesitantly, and not quite looking at her--]

We could take a look around. I don't hear any roaring or earth-shattering footsteps, so now would be a good time to see if...anyone needs anything.

[...ahem.]

And to gather information on what happened.

[Yeah that's better.]

[She tilts her head and... it's pretty clear to her that he's not feeling 100%. So she bumps shoulders with him- leaning against him for just a bit longer as she grins up at him.]

We can do that.

[And then she moves back, standing up on the bed before hopping off.]

Juuuuust let me wake up first.

Sure.

[...]

I'm not going anywhere.

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